The void of longing

I woke up with a feeling. It was familiar, this time it didn’t threaten to trash me with the strength of a tsunami.

I remained curious.

The feeling ebbed and flowed with my breath. The deeper I breathed, the lesser the intensity, but it was present, gently awakening parts of me that I had been unconsciously hiding from or fighting with.

The void.

I have known this void for as long as I can remember. There is a comfortable familiarity to this void, even though I have only ever known two ways to deal with it.

Play victim (i.e ‘why-me’ stories) or aggressively seek to fill the void with mindless activities (e.g. social interactions that only enhanced the emptiness inside).

Neither supported me, instead they exhausted me.

There had also been moments when I thought I was fully present to the void, except I didn't realise that I had been deceiving myself with hope disguised as presence (sneaky spiritual ego!).

Hope is a complex energy.

As much as it fuels our purpose, direction and drive, it also has the power to snatch our attention away from the present moment and unconsciously attach itself on to the future.

This morning as I found myself at the edge of this void again and grasping onto hope to take the discomfort away, I paused.

I thought to myself.

Has there ever been a time when I didn't long for a meaningful sense of belonging, identity and purpose?

Will there ever be a time when I won’t have this longing anymore?

(Much like any one of us, I longed for this to manifest in the form of safe friendships, a committed partnership, healthy children, purposeful work and service to the community)

And I realised this constant longing had turned the void into a constant reminder of the imbalances in life. 

I inquired further.

• At what point does a friendship start to feel safe without any triggers?

• What scale do I use to rate a partner’s commitment?

• How do I measure work to be purposeful?

• What actions count as being of meaningful service?

• How can I ensure the health of loved ones forever?

• How am I responsible for the happiness of others?

Leaning into the ultimate question, when will I stop sensing this void?

As much as the mind would like be in control, seeking all the answers.

The heart had an entirely different story to share.

“Its not about getting rid of the void as much as it is about how you relate to it”

The void has become a constant reminder of our unhealthy attachments, judgements, expectations and criticism towards ourselves and others.

Yet the void is where we were birthed from!!

What happens when we courageously take a step back from these unconscious patterns and behaviours?

The void softens.

And we finally hear the gentle whispers of the void.

I am full and empty

With nothing to do and nowhere to be

Let presence fill the void, neither destiny nor free will

Through the beat of your heart, life engages

Freedom thrives

Letting life to be what will be